Children of Divorce
If you are a child of a broken or traumatic home, can you still experience a good marriage of your own? And, what if your parents are NOW considering divorce?
Facts: As pointed out in the PBS (Public Broadcasting System) video documentary, "Children of Divorce," children of divorced parents face an uphill battle:
  1.      Insecurity. A home should provide a lasting example of security which is fundamental to childhood and to adulthood. Divorce can cause this foundation to crumble leaving children of divorce experiencing insecurity. This insecurity can lead to improper behavior in the lives of children. For example, young girls experiencing insecurity will often do anything to keep from losing their boyfriends, even lowering their standards.

  2.      Worry and anxiety. Will my marriage also fail? This anxiety can carry over into relationships with employers, children, spouse, relatives, and friends.
What can you do? Not marry at all? Sad to say, but this is the response which some children of divorce take. They reason that if they marry, there will be too much hurt because they have seen this hurt in their parents. As a result, some will not consider a mate at all, while some will elect to cohabit short of marriage. Either position results in this person allowing experiences of others to steal from this person the joy and happiness of a marriage. And, if they cohabit short of a marriage covenant, this often leads to further emotional trauma, hurt which can even be passed down to children of this relationship.

What should you do? Resolve that you will not allow others to take from you one of the most precious days of your life, your wedding. Resolve to learn from their mistakes, and resolve that you will not fall into the same traps your parents did. Become a rebuilder. Help your parents reconcile emotionally. True, they may already be divorced and remarried, and it is very unlikely they will remarry. But, at least you can help them reconcile emotionally. How?

First, gain their ear - their respect. One of the best ways to do this is to tell them that you want them - both of them - to approve or reject your husband- or wife-to-be whenever that time comes. When they realize that you are looking to them and honoring them by seeking their approval of your mate, this will go a long way towards building trust so they can, in turn, trust your encouragements of them to emotionally reconcile. Secondly, cultivate the character traits of attentiveness and gratefulness. When we become attentive to others, it shows we respect them - we value them, and they can therefore trust our opinions and counsel. Show them that you are grateful for them. Even if they are divorced, you can thank your dad for paying child support. You can thank your mother for all of the daily tasks she does for you. Thirdly, if your parents are divorced and remarried, one of the best ways to get them emotionally restored is to encourage them to ask forgiveness of each other. Asking forgiveness will do wonders for reconciliation. To apologize or to say "I am sorry" really doesn't accomplish much.

ASKING FORGIVENESS
(The Key to Restoration of Damaged Relationships)
"Therefore, if thou bring thy gift to the altar [our gifts of prayer, thanksgiving, service, worship, etc., Hebrews 13:15-16] and there rememberest that thy brother [and can we exclude neighbors, spouses, children, employers, etc.?] hath anything against thee, leave thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift." Yahshua, Matt. 5:23-24.

How NOT to ask forgiveness:

1. "Betty, I apologize if what I said hurt you."

- The word "apologize" is not in your Bible. You are only acknowledging that you made a mistake.

- The word "if" means you are implying, "I can't possibly see how this would have offended an ordinary person, but..."

2. "John, I am sorry for what I did."

"Sorry" simply acknowledges an error by you. Hitler was sorry that he did not commence his attack on Russia earlier in the spring so the Germans could have captured Moscow before the Russian winter snows began!

How to ask forgiveness--and be reconciled:

" [Name of the One Offended] , I have come to realize that I was wrong
when I [name the specific offense] . Would you forgive me?"

1. You are taking full responsibility for the offense.

2. You are getting right to "the heart of the matter."

3. You are showing that you are fully repentant and humbly desire to be reconciled.

4. Yahweh will then remove the load of guilt from your shoulders and place it on the shoulders of the one offended. They often don't know what to do with it :-), and will respond, "Oh, that's not important; forget it" or, "Don't worry about it," OR they might "unload" more on you! If so, thank Yah (silently :-)) for more revelation of your offenses, and then also ask forgiveness of these specific items.

5. But if they come back with something like, "Oh, don't worry about it; no big deal," then respond, "I appreciate your response, but it would mean so much to me if you could forgive me now."

NEXT: Enjoy the blessings of restoration and freedom from guilt, and be prepared to see Yahshua enlarge your ministry.
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